inside my mind
a little house
protects me from the monsters
this quiet haven cradles me in safety
the sharp edges of the world outside become dull
the noise, silent
the bitter, sweet
with each visit, I leave something behind
a weight off my back
and I put it on the shelf
I find solace here
I get more comfortable with each retreat
visiting more often
until it feels like home
a place I’d rather be
over time the shelves fill
so I build more
and more
and more
until the tipping point
I delicately balance one more burden
high atop the rest
and it all comes crashing down
psychological dominos
shelves buckle, pulling the walls in
the house collapses under its own weight
forming a black hole
swallowing everything
every fear
every neglected memory
every ungrieved loss
every silenced dream
every buried question
density increases, generating its own gravity
pulling me closer
what once was my escape
morphs quickly, insidiously
into my prison
one I may never escape
the light puts up one last fight
before surrender
rock bottom means upside, they say
but the compression of an object
collapsing under its own gravity
is infinite
pressure creates diamonds, they say
but also disintegration
to save myself is to abandon the only shelter I know
and even though it’s now gone
and never truly was
I find it hard to let go
facing life unfiltered, without a security blanket
is to endure the assault of every feeling
nothing to dull the senses
confronting the raw, unvarnished truth
that we’re on our own…
…and…
…we have each other
and in that I find strength
escape velocity starts slowly
I claw at the dirt for a handhold
hoping to find something strong enough
to take on the abyss in a tug-of-war
behold, the plants and their deep roots
I pull myself away until I can stand on my own
and with each step its power over me eases
until, at long last, I find myself running
safely out of range
free
every nerve exposed
seeing the world as if for the first time
it looks different now, yet somehow more familiar
the beauty is disorienting
the air soothing
the light intoxicating
and I soon find
that the wonder contained in a blade of grass
is the only escape I ever needed
the monsters I once feared
watch me emerge, waving a timid hello
waiting for me to fight
or run and hide
but with nowhere to go
they seem less scary than before
I move closer, seeing them clearly
without the mist of darkness clouding my view
and to my surprise, they don’t want to hurt me
all they’ve ever wanted from me
is a hug
so we embrace
I sometimes miss my little house
a place to store by troubles
but my new friends help me carry them
until I’m ready to face them
embrace them
and let them go
what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, they say
but a mere three letters separate
self-destruction and -deconstruction
one a dead end
the other metamorphosis
and just as a caterpillar’s perspective is limited
by no fault of their own
my life before transformation feels so small
a time when I could only crawl
before I learned how to fly
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