I took a satire writing class online. Here are my submissions:
Questions to Ask Yourself to Avoid Fake News
Did a friend forward you the article on Facebook? A like-minded friend? Like, is it a guy you would grab a beer with? Research has shown that positive responses to these questions increase the odds of the article being correct by over 80%.
Did you pay to read it? This is a dead giveaway that the journalist may also be paid, a clear sign of biased fake news. Truth seekers are self-sufficient, typically selling dietary supplements to fund their investigations.
Is the author of the article a man? Just good to know, that’s all…
How many PhDs are quoted? Legitimate articles will have at least one quote from someone with a doctorate in favor of the argument. Medical students count too. Or pre-med. Look, just make sure they’re wearing a lab coat in the pop-up video that you can’t close out of.
What are Dave’s thoughts? Dave is a common-sense kind of guy.
How much of your information do you get from the comments section compared to the main article? The comments/article ratio recommended by NASA is 80/20.
Are any founding fathers mentioned? Real news will always refer back to the building blocks of truth and quote the founding fathers, often as a generic collective, for whom context is unnecessary.
Does the article have at least 4 out of 5 stars from other white males? Well, does it?
Is there anything in the article that challenges your opinion or general worldview? If not, good, you’re in the right place.
How many times in the article was the Deep State recognized? 0: Most likely fake news. 1-5: Investigate further. 5+: Truth.
Has the website you’re on ever crashed your computer, launched Russian porn pop-ups, or purchased endangered animal furs on your credit card without your knowledge? How did you resolve that? Asking for a friend.
While reading the article, did you question your sexual orientation, burn a Bible, or refer to Barack Hussein Obama as Barry O? These are early signs of brainwashing. You must have accidentally browsed to nytimes.com. Please divert your eyes and smash your computer immediately to avoid further indoctrination.
Does the article give you a sense of superiority for being the way that you are? Is the way that you are a WASPY man? Great! Click here to claim $500.
Have you ever eaten a veggie burger? You can go to hell.
Did you know that 90% of all illegal aliens commit their first rape within 48hrs of crossing the border? This has been verified by Dr. Hank Johnson of Harvard Dietary Supplements Inc.
Thank you for taking our survey. You’ve been automatically entered to win an iPad with a screen protector and an AR-15.
“Forward this survey to all of your Facebook friends within two hours or you’ll have seven years of bad luck.” - George Washington
Appalling Reports of Mistreated San Francisco Dogs 1) Labradoodle Forced to Share Stroller with Slobbering Child 2) Service Dog Stressed Out by Shifty-Looking Airline Passengers 3) Woman Fails to Create Separate Instagram Account for Springer Spaniel 4) Unreasonable Pedestrian Slightly Startled When Bit by Adorable Pug 5) French Bulldog Spotted in Rainstorm without Rain Jacket, Shoes 6) Owner Denies Black Lab of Face Lick after Licking Own Genitals 7) Yorkshire Terrier Forced to Receive Rabies Vaccine despite Autism Concerns 8) Oppressive Neighbor Slides Note Under Door of Chihuahua with Barking Disorder 9) Owner Charged with Verbal Abuse After Rottweiler Destroys Sweater, House 10) Disgusting Carbon-based Tennis Shoe Desecrates Beagle’s Organic Compost on Local Sidewalk 11) Golden Retriever Coerced by Presumptuous White Male to Fetch Unwanted Frisbee 12) Owner of Unleashed Toddler Unapologetic After Child Stampedes Through Serene Poodle Playdate 13) Local Butcher Refuses to Sell Cold Cuts to Gender-fluid Labrador 14) Man who Kicked Bull Terrier in 2014 Dodges Capital Punishment 15) Pitbull Aggressively Removed from Child’s Face by Imposing Neighbor
Surprisingly Positive Graffiti Found in Bathroom Stalls
Jason was here… but not for very long. Digestive system working as expected.
Wanna have a good time? Check out laser tag across the street. Good family fun. Great pizza too.
Screw people too hesitant to share their beauty with the world.
Call 888-RU-HAPPY if you’re feeling depressed for free counseling
Live the life you love, love the life you live
I haven’t appreciated my mother enough. Don’t make the same mistake.
Government = Tyranny, but I still understand the necessary role that it plays in our society, so it’s not like I don’t pay my taxes or anything.
Find someone you love and never let them go. Please leave this room first.
Absolutely no excuse for not washing your hands. Germ theory has existed for 150yrs.
Thanks for reading. Isn’t it great that you can read? Literacy rates are near 100% in the U.S. What a time to be alive.
House of Woke Heyyy! Look who it is. Great to see you. Been way too long. Come on, get in here for the real deal. Thanks for having me over. Wow, look at this place. Doing pretty well for yourself these days, huh? Nah, just putting one foot in front of the other, you know, trying to stay in that 2% baby. 2%? You know, like I want to be successful but not too successful like those Wall Street scum, you know what I mean, can I get you a drink? I’ve got water, IPAs from a women-run minority only brewery, and coconut water with liquid charcoal. Water’s fine. So how’s work going? Bill told me you just got done with a project overseas. Yeah, it was with a clothing manufacturer in China, so I was flying there every week, which was a drag. But it didn’t last long. These idiots were like “we use cotton to make clothes” haha. Like they’ve never heard of climate change. Ridiculous. Plus with cotton’s racist history I was like, “uh… yeah no” So I killed the project. Wasn’t going to work out. It’s like, “tone deaf much?” I see. I mean, it’s for the best. I’m on a new project now making underwear out of hemp farmed by solar powered robots, which is obviously really great. Have you seen my new fireplace? Um, no, first time here so I - It’s brilliant. They took an LED TV, programmed it to play a fireplace video on a loop, and amped up the wattage by 10x so it actually puts out enough heat so that you can feel it. Really impressive green technology. Feels like a real fire if you get close enough. Yeah, I mean it looks just like my TV at home. Nah, this puppy cost me like 10k. Got it on Craigslist, you know, “buy used!” Right. And check this out. You’ve got to see this. Guess what kind of wood floor this is? Gee, I really don’t know wood. Oak maybe? Yes! Well kinda. French oak. Great story. So these same boards were actually taken from an early 19th century cargo ship, restored and installed here when they built the house in the 40s. That’s actually really interesting. What a cool piece of history. Unfortunately I learned that it’s final voyage carried slaves to Virginia in the late 1830s. Ah, yeah that’s too bad. So we’re tearing it up of course. Thinking bamboo. Not quite as durable and you can’t get it exactly flat, right, but much better I think. You’re tearing the floor out? Yeah, just can’t live like that, you know? Wasn’t sure what to do with the wood though - who wants that blood on their hands? And since we can’t burn it, it’s kind of like, “what do we do with all this wood” right? So what are you going to do? I mean what can you do? On the one hand it must be destroyed. But on the other it must be reused. So I’m mulching it up and dumping it on some skinhead’s lawn. My non-binary Latinx tree trimming guy knows a guy I guess. So he’s coming Friday after next. I mean they. Haha a little cisgender are we? Crazy how transphobic my subconscious still is. Hey, what does heteronormative mean, do you know? Anyway, the new floor should be great. Wanna fire up the grill? Um, sure. What’s on the menu? Portobellos. Huge. Whole Foods. No HMOs either, I asked the human stocking the cereal aisle after complimenting them on their non-white skin tone. If you’re not part of the solution you’re part of the problem, am I right? Mm hmm So how’s work been for you? Yeah not bad. I just got promoted so that’s good. That’s great! Congratulations! Yeah thanks. I was sound technician before, the behind the scenes stuff, but I just got promoted to lead boom operator, out on the set now. That’s great! What kind of movies do you work on? Or films? I’m still not sure which one is more correct. Hope that’s not offensive. Mostly hardcore. Ah. An occasional softcore flick here and there and some pop-up ad stuff on the side, but not much these days. I see. Yeah, it’s okay. A little tiring, you know, on your feet all day. I got these orthotics from my podiatrist. Helps my knees. Gotta take care of your health. Yeah, I get full health and dental, four weeks vacation. Sick days. So, you know, not bad. Sure, sure. So, I have to ask you. No judgement, but something I’ve always wanted to know. How exactly do they go about promoting racial equality in that industry? I mean you gotta put food on the table, I get it, so you do you, but it seems like it’s an industry just reeking of white privilege. Right. Totally normal question to ask. You know, come to find out the casting director has a black friend, so... Got it, got it, got it. Well that’s great! Good for you. Seriously thanks again for coming over. After my wife left I’ve been pretty lonely, so it’s really nice to have a friend over. Yeah I’ve been wanting to ask you what happened with you and Cheryl? Really sad to hear. Voted for Trump. That makes sense.
Introducing Our New Line of Opioid-Infused Snacks
At Purdue Pharmaceuticals, we’ve been proud to be a support to American families deal with painful periods in their lives for over 20 years. Due to an incredible response from doctors and patients alike, we’re excited to say that our life-healing product is now available in a variety of formats. Our new line of pain-killing snacks are available for purchase at all major doctor’s office drive-thrus as well as through our online self-serve prescription system. Chocolate-Covered Pretzels Rolled in Crushed Vicodin Mmm chocolate. This bit-sized deliciousness is perfect for treating yourself over and over throughout the day. Don’t overdo it though! We wouldn’t want your blood sugar levels to spike or your blood to stop circulating. It’s like we say at the office, “dead customers don’t refill!” So please snack responsibly. Lightly Dusted Almonds Keto? Paleo? Withdrawals? We’ve got you covered. Our roasted almonds are lightly dusted with salt and raw codine to give a little zing to your healthy afternoon snack without the sugar or saturated fats. I once stress-ate three almond snack packs right before an investigation of our marketing practices and it kept me calm and slightly numb throughout the whole process... without adding to my waistline! Double Fudge Oxy Brownies Need to eat your feelings? These brownies will do the trick. You know, feelings can be dangerous. Sadness. Road rage. Worry about suicide statistics. Sometimes I have this feeling that my business has flourished beyond my wildest dreams on the backs of vulnerable, addicted young adults whose prefrontal cortexes have been rewired by OxyTM. But then I think, “there I go again with those feelings”, so I pop 300mg and feel all better. It’s scary how quickly your mind can wander into weird territory like that.
Sour Cream and Percocet Chips Speaking of weird, isn’t it weird that pain-killers used to be hard to get? I mean, talk about right place right time. All of a sudden people are in pain and I happen to be selling pain-killers. Sometimes coincidence and luck just goes your way, you know. Catching green lights all the way to work. Avoiding eye contact with protestors outside of my favorite Upper East Side penthouse. Then there’s that time that Becky blamed the dog for tearing up the flower bed after Mike and I buried that homeless guy we hit on the sidewalk after a bender. Point is, sometimes things just work out, and when they do, treat yourself with our world-famous Percocet potato chips. Meth and Cheese We all know that sometimes a little meth just helps to get your head right, and we don’t age discriminate at Purdue. I know because my lawyer told me so. No more discrimination. So we don’t. At Purdue, we make our organic kids Meth and Cheese with a flour/cauliflower blend to lower the refined flours our kids are consuming. And no more fighting at the dinner table to get your kids to eat. I don’t know about you, but getting my three-year-old to eat dinner is sometimes just maddening. Not nearly as maddening as when Becky throws you a surprise birthday party that night she was “out of town” and upon arriving home you mistake your front door for an alien from the Area 51 arcade game you’ve been playing since 8am. And who stands right behind the door at a surprise birthday party anyway? Didn’t Jim get the memo that you hide behind the couch? There’s no way my 9mm would have made it through a door and a couch. Becky can be such a bitch sometimes, I’m just saying. Enjoy kids Meth and Cheese.
Black Tar Heroin Coco Puffs What’s Becky’s problem lately anyway? It’s like, fine you have a few unfortunate evenings that spiral out of control and at a low point you mistakenly call her apologizing for giving her AIDS. But everyone has a burned spoon or two in the utensil drawer, give me a break. What’s that? Where are my shoelaces? I don’t know, why don’t you ask Bill from marketing. That guy has had it out for me ever since he saw me eating soap out of the dispenser. It’s a free country Bill. You know what else is free? Each box of Black Tar Heroin Coco Puffs comes with a free toy to keep your kids entertained. Our action figures, toy cars, and needles are gender neutral and make for great surprises at the bottom of each box. Enjoy!
The Catholic Church Pension Fund’s Plan to Stop Rape
Catholic Church Representative: We are excited to work with you to maximize returns for the pensions of the hundreds of thousands of hard-working clergymen around the world. We have some guidelines that we would like to put in place to ensure that we are not investing in companies that contradict our moral values. Financial Advisor: No problem. We’re happy to create a restricted list of “sin stocks” to avoid in your portfolio. Church: Great, so first we have moral issues with addictive products, so we’ll need to exclude any tobacco or alcohol companies from our holdings and any corporations involved in gambling. Advisor: Of course. We understand. Church: Next, we want to make sure that we avoid industries that cause significant environmental damage. The Earth is God’s creation and it is our duty to protect it. So oil companies are out. Advisor: No problem. Church: Also, we need to make sure that we are not supporting any companies that treat their employees poorly. Human rights concerns, health and safety violations, sexual abuse accusations, that kind of thing. To illustrate, we’re talking no companies with a history of abusive management. The Weinstein Company, Uber, Fox News. We can’t in good conscience support these kinds of offensive corporate cultures.
Advisor: Okay, I think I understand the concern. Church: Or any companies with a history of sexual abuse at all. Google employees, for instance, had a walk-out in protest of sexual abuse allegations. We just can’t stand by as investors with that going on. Advisor: Okay... Church: In fact, how do most sexual predators even get access to their victims? On the internet, right? So that’s two strikes against Google. And how many stories do we hear every day about children coerced by their abuser through social media? So no Facebook either. You know what? Just for good measure, any company that makes products used to assist sexual predators don’t deserve to benefit from the hard-earned money of God’s faithful servants. Manufacturers of cell phones, tablets, computers, and especially wireless providers. And it goes without saying that internet service providers share the blame for these heinous crimes. Comcast should be ashamed of themselves. Our Lord and Savior’s money has no place in the pockets of these endorsers of evil. If there is even a single news story linking some company’s product to an act of pedophilia, we will have none of it. As the standard bearer for integrity, virtue, and family values in the world, we have a responsibility to speak out against these secular corporations. Advisor: I think we’re drifting into challenging territory here… Church: Listen. The miracle of the Immaculate Conception did not bring forth the Redeemer of the world to save all of mankind just so that some vile candy producer could take His money and hawk their filthy chocolate bars to help child molesters seduce God’s children into their vans. On this point we have to take a stand and we say NO. Candy makers must be held accountable too. Investigate every possible angle. Lollipops, chocolate, toymakers, any kid’s products whatsoever. Advisor: I’m starting to feel uncomfortable… Church: Private investigators, lawyers, whatever you need. Just make sure we aren’t investing in anything that even comes close to offensive activity in the eyes of our Creator. Check out who else that Subway guy was working for. Kick out any companies in cities that still play R. Kelly on the radio. And for the love of the Virgin Mary track down the contractor that built the Neverland Ranch and hold them accountable for their complicity. Someone needs to lead when it comes to punishing the wicked and what better organization to lead than the one founded by the Son of God himself. The devotion and holiness of our clergymen is undeniable and we must make sure that their impeccable standing before God is not diminished by some scandalous pension investments. Advisor: … Church: Lastly, to avoid even the appearance of evil, we don’t want to be involved with companies that present opportunities for abusers to access their victims. Boy Scouts and affiliate groups are an obvious no, but also suppliers of athletic equipment to K-12 schools or USA Gymnastics. These companies promote opportunities for trusted and revered adult mentors to spend time alone with young people in vulnerable settings such as locker rooms or camping tents on an uncomfortably regular basis. Any company thinking that they can hide their twisted, diabolical intentions from savvy investors like us is sorely mistaken. We require vigilance and transparency from our investments and no stone will be left unturned. It is my prayer to Saint Isidore of Seville, the Patron Saint of all school children, that you will accept these constraints with the utmost reverence and respect.
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